Getting Started

What is this blog?

This blog is written for me. I'm going to write it as though I have an audience, but it's sole purpose is to help me stay motivated. I've struggled with my body image since I was a teenager. I've gone through phases where I've been overweight and underweight. I've binged, I've purged, I've starved myself. This March I got engaged to an amazing, supportive man and we are getting married next August. I want to look amazing at my wedding (that's a given) but I don't want to revert back to old habits to make this happen. I want to be fit not thin. I want a body that I can continue to love and feel confident in. Someday I want kids and I'd like to be able to bounce back after pregnancy, the only way to do that is to be active before, during and after pregnancy. Right now I need to work on the before part.

Not only do I want to be able to bounce back after pregnancy, but I want to set a good example for my future children. I want to teach them to be healthy; to love their bodies and treat them right. I don't want to teach them to be overly critical of themselves and constantly picking apart every little flaw of their physical appearance. To teach them the concept that loving themselves on the inside is more important than the exterior. But I can't do any of that for my hypothetical children without doing it for myself first.

Today I decided to try Kayla Itsines' BBG. This blog will help me to document my journey. The things I do right as well as the things I do wrong. It is to help hold me accountable and keep me on track. If you stumble upon my blog, feel free to read it, just remember I'm not an expert, I'm not trying to give anyone advice. I'm writing this blog for me, to be my own inspiration.

Some more about my history:

I started gymnastics when I was 2. I was in great shape with rock hard abs until I was 14 when I got injured and quit. I really used the injury as an excuse to quit, because I had recently discovered what it was like to have an active social life and didn't want to spend my time getting berated by coaches when I could be out with my friends. Okay, I loved some of my coaches, but still, gymnastics is pretty rigorous.

When I was a gymnast I had no concept of how much I could eat because I had such a high metabolism that I could eat just about anything in any amount without gaining a pound. When I quit, this quickly changed but it was hard for me to control my eating when I'd never had to before.

I'm 4'11" which means I should weigh between 95 and 125 lbs to be in the healthy BMI range. I've been as high as 138 and as low as 92 at various times in my adult life. When I was down to 92 lbs (about 2.5 years ago) I was a frequenter of pro-ana sites, I used diet pills, I ate between 200-600 calories a day, and I walked several miles every day.

My 25th Birthday

Just before my 25th birthday (when I was at my lowest weight) my mom took me shopping. I had requested this as my birthday present because none of my old clothes were fitting me anymore. The thing I wanted the most was a dress to wear out to dinner on my birthday.I thought it would be fun to go shopping for clothes as a skinny girl, when I'd been at my heaviest shopping was always a nightmare. It turned out, shopping when you're this skinny sucks just as much, if not more so. NOTHING FIT!  I mean nothing. I went to so many stores, trying on XXS, even trying on kids clothes. I had complete meltdown to my poor mother in the fitting rooms. Everything was loose and baggy and the kids clothes just fit all wrong because they were made for kids, not tiny adults. Finally I found a skin tight XXS dress at bebe that fit, but it was still a pretty traumatic experience and I decided I didn't want to be quite so thin.



I promised myself I'd never get back over 115 lbs, but also that I wouldn't go back below 100 lbs. I've been pretty consistently over 115lbs for about the last 8 months now. Weighing in this morning at 117.2 lbs. It's also not only an issue that I'm over my max target range, but I'm also very much so out shape. We all know muscle weighs more than fat and I had more muscle the last time I weighed 115ish lbs, so I look a lot fatter now than I did then.

Anyway, I'm getting married in a little over a year, and I want to look spectacular by then. I'd love to be 105-110 lbs by then, but more importantly, I'd love to be fit. We'll see where this goes. If in a year I still look the way I do now, I will of course result to crash dieting before the wedding, but I'm going to work my hardest so that I don't have to result to that.